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25 June 2009 @ 02:32 pm
we keep on waiting  
She loved him. She knew she loved him like no one else she had ever been with. He was king and thoughtful, and she knew he really cared even if he didn't always express it in the way she wanted. And she knew that she wanted to marry him. She knew she wanted that more than anything. She had been so depressed and discouraged when she thought he was withholding engagement, when she thought he was baiting her endlessly and was just going to dump her. She wanted marriage. Maybe she didn't want a family yet, but she wanted marriage.

But when she held his ring in her hand, feeling the ring he'd given her resting coolly on her finger, fear seeped into every part of her mind. Fear that she would not be a good wife, a good mother. Fear that she would fail him somehow--fall down somehow--ruin him somehow. That alien, against-nature repulsion to rising above her status filled her. That terror that as soon as he had her he would change made her weak and sick. So she ran.

In that empty house, she couldn't rest. She paced the living room and looked at his walls. She was torn between feeling regretful that this was her "wedding" night, and feeling like she was going to explode. The panic ate at her heart. Finally she couldn't stand it, and she bolted.

She found one of her old friends and immediately began to try to forget Joash. She vaguely remembered that he was there and that he kissed her. She remembered the overwhelming feeling of guilt as she yelled at him. But that was all.

The next three years were a blur of drugs and alcohol and men. And constant, awful emptiness. She had loved Joash, and now she could not settle for anything else.

secretguardiansecretguardian on June 26th, 2009 02:25 am (UTC)
He really is so unlike anything that she's ever had before. Did she ever pawn her ring, because I think Joash was a lot poorer than he let on then and didn't buy her anything expensive, just more as a symbol than anything else.
Alyssamidenianscholar on June 26th, 2009 02:27 am (UTC)
I ran out of time to put it in, but she still has her ring. She just doesn't wear it openly.